The rules of dating a female lawyer

So you have gotten yourself a match on Tinder with an actual female. You peruse her profile and surprise, surprise, she has some legal sounding occupation. Guys, what do you do? Well, I suspect you have no idea what to do or else you would not stumble on to this virtual agony aunt platform. Don’t worry, I gotcha.

First things, first. Do not send a dick pic. I repeat, do not send a dick pic. Not only will a female lawyer not have time to look at your pee-pee, she probably spends most of her time proof reading lengthy contracts that her eye’s capacity for focussing on tiny penises is now probably rendered obsolete. You need to approach a female lawyer like you would approach the Holy Grail. Tread smoothly. A simple “hello …” with commendable punctuation would suffice. I mean if you are well hung, I am sure she won’t mind the random dick pic.

No, do not do that! That was a test. Keep your one minute wonder away from the female lawyer.

Ok so you have managed to engage her enough to get a response. She feigns an interest and replies to your messages a few times over the day but your obviously needy self wants to know how to get her to give you more. I mean at this point, the goal might just be to get her to send you some uncopyrighted nudes, but the principles will still apply here. You have to play it cool.

Female lawyers spend all day surrounded by old men telling them what to do, feeling high powered and drinking lots of coffee. You need to present a female lawyer with an alternative to her normal 8am – 8pm. I mean, be goofy if you must. All you need to understand is that she probably has hundreds of management consultants, doctors and software engineers lusting over her 24/7. If you are not man enough to handle it, leave this blog, man-child. Not many men are well equipped to deal with a woman who argues for a living. If you can’t take it, don’t waste her billable time!

If you have made it this far and are stupid enough to go ahead with dating a female lawyer, here are a few tips:

  1. Message her in the morning so she can reply to you on her commute. Do not expect communication during the day.
  2. Don’t appear emotionally needy – if you can’t handle not having attention during the day, you probably need to date batwoman’s attorney.
  3. Make weekday plans! Weekdays can be so exhausting and having company after a long day will set you apart from those weekend fuck-boys.
  4. Don’t forget that she probably lives for the weekend and there is plenty of sausage to be had on a Saturday.
  5. Ask her about her work – all lawyers like talking about themselves.
  6. Put things in her calendar – lawyers love that shit. It keeps us organised.
  7. At the earlier stages of dating, do not expect them to open up. I am sure claimant 1 thought defendant 1 would love her forever, but defendant 1 lied and now they are in the civil courts. We are risk averse because all we see are things when they go wrong, so don’t expect us to take you seriously if you promise us the world. Promissory estoppel has no place in the dating world.
  8. Female lawyers may value you according to how many units she would bill you. So you need to make every 6 minutes count or else she may have to write you off.
  9. Pencil skirts, that is all.
  10. You get the services of a lawyer for no consideration – Kerching!

If that hasn’t convinced you to go for that cold looking lawyer on Tinder, then take the above as obiter.